• 16日09月2025年

  I have nothing, and I, arrogantly, want everything. The admiration, adoration, whatever, maybe even admonishment from others. I am starved of attention, and funnily enough, only that. I am certainly not "starving" in any other right of the word. You wouldn't think it, seeing me. Uhb, enough of that.

  So what? What now? Do I whore myself out? For a morsel of attention? Is that it????? I'm flat as a board and fat too. Yes, I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. I'm sorry, if anyone cares. But I can't help it.

  These thoughts are unhealthy. This is unhealthy. I know it, but I know no other life.

  I don't know what to do with myself.

• 11日08月2025年

  I was kinda going mental earlier, luckily that's for the most part over with. I was just caught up in the ephemerality of everything, was kind of making me feel inhuman. Not-a-person, again. Yes yes, life is ephemeral, and so is everything in the tangible surrounding, but I didn't really previously understand that to a certain degree. I just didn't think about it. But then I considered how humans live for like 70~80 years and conk out (?) and that's it, story over. I think I was supposed to have this realization when I was a good deal younger, but I've always been kind of slow in that regard.

• 28日07月2025年

  So recently, I've been thinking about, uh, marriage. But to be clear, I don't expect this to actually happen. Because if it's with me, then it's obviously about my oshi. So an Oshi-Kon. Oshi-Kekkon. You know. Or maybe you don't. Not that it matters much.

  Hmmmmm...Being really married to my oshi...what a lovely idea. Brings a heat to my face, hehe. I have a shrine page on here but it's empty. Actually, no, as of time of writing there's not even an HTML page made yet. Moving on...

  How would other people want to be proposed to, first of all? There's of course the classic, down-on-one-knee with a ring and box in hand, asking for marriage. In a nice scenic location, like at a fancy high-end restraunt or on a scenic (thesaurus needed!) walk in an autumn woodland. Or on a beach, or at a baseball game... I don't know, whatever Bitlife comes up with I'm writing. That game kinda sucks, by the way. So many paywalled elements... I'm getting derailed...

  Personally, though, I would not like that sort of proposal. No way. First of all, if it's in public, there's a social pressure to accept the proposal. That's why if a couple were to do that, they have to be both on board with the idea of marriage. Otherwise it's manipulative!

  So anyway, I want to be proposed to by my oshi as follows: The topic of marriage is brought up casually one day. I think, a "we should marry", or something, while doing something routine or not particularly unusual. Like watching a movie. Yeah. But I only really like nature documentaries. Oh, but I couldn't be the one to say it. That's so not me. My beloved oshi would, and then I would go, "Huh?", not because I didn't hear but because I didn't really process it yet.

  And then from there we would happily and lightheartedly discuss our plans for our married life, small tidbits like "we should get a Monstera plant" or talks of finally adopting a cat, which would be an orange cat, and naming it Ebi-Mayo. Other cat coats (but if we're going for breed, I want a Devon Rex. Love those kitties. They look so cute in crochet cat-hats.) and names are up for consideration.

• 18日07月2025年

  I've come to realize, who cares about making sense? I sure don't. I mean, I do, but it's not a priotrity. Here's a jumble of words, no thoughts given:

  Served on silver platters,
  An astringent cinnamon-yarrow tea,
  A long-flat champagne fizz,
  Inedible potpourri,
  A dessert pastry made with meat.
  yum yum yum.

• 12日07月2025年

  I don't know what's come over me recently.

  Daily life is fleeting, in spite of the admittedly drudging pace at which time seems to pass, and I find I am all too often looking at "life" as a whole. That this, too, is ephemeral. And from this stance, I find myself also percieving myself as merely a 158?cm, floundering stack of skin on flesh, pulled over a framework of bones, all operated by electric signals released and received by neurons. Which is what I am. Which is what humans are. I know and knew that. But it feels different, more impersonal, if that's the right word.

  I cannot explain this better. I am not exactly giften in speech. But I am trying.

  There feels this invisible wall between what I thought was "me" and the real, tangible world. I am not a "me", but rather just that pile of skin on flesh on bones. There is not really a "me". There cannot be one. What "I" thought was "me" was merely the product of the extraordinary phenomenon of sentience.

  This body is operated to do, what? I think, utilitarian ends. But I am not sure. There's no one to decide that but me, I suppose. And there is not a me to decide.

  And further, in spite of the above nonsense, I cannot help but feel that there is a me. But maybe, not quite what I originally thought it to be. Sometimes, and I'm aware this is quite silly, but I feel like a character in a video game to be controlled, also I suppose by me. Who else? The neurons.

  This scrawling on a (text) page is not turning out quite how I want, but I don't think I'm capable of expressing truly how I feel. Especially since I don't understand it myself. I cannot articulate what I cannot understand.

  Oh, I've been out of my medications for the past week. Potentially related, but I think it was not the lack of my daily psychiatric medications that caused this. Just that the lack of them is exacerbating thinsgs.
  That's the end of this bit, stop reading.
  
  

• 06日07月2025年

  Oh, a happy very-belated first birthday to meow site!! Hurray!! Confetti and streamers!! I for sure didn't only just now realize... In all seriousness, it's hard to believe it's been (over) a year since the inception of meow-or-never. Really, time flies, huh? It was created, uhm.... 15日3月2024年!! Wow... Admittedly, much of that time it had spent in existence was as a "coming soon" page. And it took aeons for that thing to come, not at all soon. Hahah. Hehehe.
  
  Fun-fun fact, the entry above existed, for, well, as long as it did, but it wasn't always accessible. And there were more entries that followed it, that were later deleted. Nothing important. Not that anything on here ever is... Uh, anyway, the deleted entries in question were about, like, my anxious thoughts. Nothing to say about that. Which is a good thing. I'm all medicated and, like, chill... for the most part.
  
  That's the end of this bit, stop reading.
  
  

• 19日09月2024年

  I dislike coding. Even just HTML is a pain to me (but it's probably the easiest coding language), not to speak of any other types of languages...So that's why I never really did anything substantial with this site. Well, that's not the only reason. I have nothing to add to the great World Wide Web (though I think 'www' is depreciated now. I don't know!! I don't know anything!!!!!). I have absolutely nothing to offer!!!!!!! Who cares what I like? I've nothing to add to anything! Nothing on current affairs, or anything of the sort. Which is to say, I created meow-or-never on a whim one day and then. Nothing.
  
  But what's it matter that I have nothing to say?? Who cares!! (I did, at some point). But now? It doesn't matter. I want a place to spill out my incoherent nothings! There are all sorts of sites on the internet! What's the harm in my own? I want my own place, away from the clamor of twitter, aka xitter (the only people to call it 'X' are journalists and Elon meatriders), my most frequently used social site. I'm not proud of that part. But hey, cats! And art! And pointless discourse.
  
  ...Ah, I'm no blogger, though. I can't weave compelling articles from the mundanity that is my life. Or something like that. I don't really have my own niche (on a side note, I've come to notice that some people pronounce 'niche' as 'nich'. Ending in an unpleasant 'ch'. Wrong and gross, be ashamed.) here to fill. I can't, for example, write about a script that finds every .horse TLD and lists them out. As mentioned previously, I don't like coding. I don't really do it(That's why this site looks the way it does). And when I did code, in Python, in JS, it was all very beginner-level nonsense.
  
  I think I'm setting my standard for personal sites too high.
  
  Most people who have their own sites make it entirely for themselves. Of course, those sites are a relic of the past. Why use Tripod, or Wix, or Geocities, or the more contemporary neocities, or Hatenablog, or that-other-web-or-blog-hosting-site-that's-slipped-my-mind when you could just delegate the entirety of your online identity to a single or small handful of sites? That's just convenient! I won't deny that. It's the reason that it took me so long to actually create one, and then add content to it, despite wanting it for years now. (Until one day I went, well, I've got to take action, it's meow or never! Oh, look at that!!! A title drop!! Like how it's done in mediocre movies.) And the coding part, too. HTML's fine, honestly. But that's it.
  
  Maybe one day, I'll get better at that. And writing, and hopefully maybe putting my thoughts into text. As things stand currently I'm just a jumbled mess of emotions and ideas and thoughts begging to be given form ................. And then maybe, come some far-away day, when I'm slightly more knowledge on tech (in general) and financially stable (always the end goal), I'll self-host. That's my end goal for this site. To be able to show and say quite literally whatever and not fear the big ban hammer of Neocities. Then I can go into detail about whichever rich influential person I feel deserves whatever thing I can think of. Or porn, I haven't decided yet.
  
  That's the end of this bit, stop reading.
  
  

Suntory -196 Lemon 5% ABV

This is the new chūhai on televeision. 新！イチキューロク　you know. There's a slight bitterness that exists in every sip. Can't get over that, and so it's not as refreshing as the commericials would make it seem. But not terrible, I suppose. That's a low bar to me, though.

Suntory Horoyoi Momo 3% ABV

Refreshing, and tastes like a really mid peach in a can. No notes. Exactly what I got myself into. Recommended for budding alcoholics who dislike beer. It's also a chūhai btw.

Suntory Haru no Ichigo Chūhai 5% ABV

Strawberry, not as good as I had anticipated but not bad either. But yeah, Horoyoi Momo was better. I should try drinking things with a higher ABV but I do like chūhai. I'm getting a whiff of the alcohol in this, but it's a weak scent. So...whatever.

Suntory Natsu no Pain Chūhai 5% ABV

I mixed this with ZONe White Soda. Was pretty good, but that's because that's a real good energy drink. I didn't feel great after though.